So Surreal

Lately I've been a little obsessed with getting old.

It's like, you graduate high school thinking that you've got years and years and years to do something with your life and time is totally on your side, 

but three years later I'm pumping the brakes and nothing is slowing down.

A lot of the time I get stressed about having a kid... because before I know it, it'll be born, then five, then eighteen, then I'll have grandkids and at twenty years old, that's something I would rather not have happen so soon. 

Sometimes I think it'll just be Kade and I forever. Just the two of us. Living life the way we live it, the only thing holding us back on occasion ourselves, nothing major to worry about, nobody's life in our hands...

But other times I look at our life and think, it gets a little boring around here. Same old routine each day, each night... sometimes I think it might be fun to have another person around here to say funny things and spice things up a bit.

Even if  that does mean changing diapers and cleaning up barf every once in a while.

Even that seems worth it these days.

It's a little surreal to think that I might actually be pregnant. This might actually be, you know, it. No more changing my mind, no more deciding to wait, no more wondering if I am ready.

ready or not...

here he/she comes.

I guess its a good sign that I no longer have to convince myself that it must be worth it. I no longer look at generations and generations and think "well, I guess kids must work out more often than not, or else people would stop having them." 

Now I look at them (particularly those with teenagers) and think "man. I can't even fathom the strength of love parents have for their children. I bet its an incredible feeling."

When I forget the stress and the what ifs about being a mom, having a baby is so exciting to me. Suddenly I get butterflies and an involuntary smile creeps onto my face and sometimes I even giggle girlishly. 

Sometimes it even feels like I catch a glimpse of that parental love. 

I can't believe I'm saying it,

but I hope this is for real.